1 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,736 -(STYLAX GRUNTING) - MARCUS: Will you stop scratching it? 2 00:00:04,816 --> 00:00:07,376 STYLAX: It's really bloody itchy. MARCUS: At least while we're eating. 3 00:00:08,896 --> 00:00:11,016 (GROANING ANGRILY) 4 00:00:11,096 --> 00:00:14,136 Okay, right, I'm done now. It's all good. 5 00:00:14,336 --> 00:00:16,736 Is it? Is it all good? You've contaminated another spoon. 6 00:00:17,056 --> 00:00:18,456 - Onto the fire? - Mm-hmm. 7 00:00:19,616 --> 00:00:21,616 You know, you should really get someone to take a look at that. 8 00:00:21,696 --> 00:00:22,696 Oh, cheers! Will you have a look at it? 9 00:00:22,776 --> 00:00:25,496 No, not me! I don't know what I'm talking about, do I? 10 00:00:25,576 --> 00:00:27,096 Of course you do! You've got a penis, don't you? 11 00:00:27,176 --> 00:00:28,176 Yeah, of sorts. 12 00:00:28,256 --> 00:00:29,816 Well, then. It's probably just bedbugs anyway. 13 00:00:29,936 --> 00:00:32,176 There is no way I'm going eye-to-eye with that thing! 14 00:00:32,296 --> 00:00:33,496 You don't mind, do you, Grum? 15 00:00:33,576 --> 00:00:34,896 - Knock yourself out. - Can we please wait? 16 00:00:34,976 --> 00:00:36,736 - Oh, blimey. - Really? 17 00:00:37,016 --> 00:00:39,056 - A bit, yeah. - What does it look like? 18 00:00:39,216 --> 00:00:41,536 - It looks sort of like a stick of rhubarb. - Oh, that's fine! 19 00:00:41,616 --> 00:00:43,656 That's been stabbed repeatedly with a fork. 20 00:00:43,736 --> 00:00:44,976 Mmm, that's less promising. 21 00:00:45,056 --> 00:00:47,176 Also, there's like a kink in it. 22 00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:48,896 Oh, no. The kink's all mine. 23 00:00:48,976 --> 00:00:52,056 It helps you get round corners and reach parts others can't reach. 24 00:00:52,216 --> 00:00:53,936 Unfortunately, those are the parts with herpes. 25 00:00:54,016 --> 00:00:55,976 Shut up! This isn't herpes. 26 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,256 It's just a few little bedbugs having a nibble on the old rhubarb, that's all. 27 00:00:59,336 --> 00:01:00,456 It's really fine. 28 00:01:03,376 --> 00:01:04,376 (GROANING) 29 00:01:05,296 --> 00:01:06,656 MARCUS: Stop it! 30 00:01:07,696 --> 00:01:09,176 We're running out of cutlery! 31 00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:10,776 - On the fire? - Yes. 32 00:01:12,456 --> 00:01:14,136 Nice and warm in here, though, isn't it? 33 00:01:16,856 --> 00:01:21,336 Do as the Romans do 34 00:01:24,256 --> 00:01:29,376 All I got is you 35 00:01:31,096 --> 00:01:32,496 (CATS YOWLING) 36 00:01:32,656 --> 00:01:37,976 Sixteen, 17, 18, 19. loan see 19 from here. 37 00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,376 - Thanks for the update. - I'll let you know if owt changes. 38 00:01:41,296 --> 00:01:43,016 - How's that? -It's a bit tight. 39 00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:45,056 This is for your own good. You can't be trusted with hands. 40 00:01:45,136 --> 00:01:46,976 Yeah, but what if people think I've been in an accident? 41 00:01:47,096 --> 00:01:49,016 You have. A horrific sex accident. 42 00:01:49,216 --> 00:01:50,656 - It's bedbugs. -(CAT MEOWING) 43 00:01:51,696 --> 00:01:52,856 And 20. 44 00:01:53,376 --> 00:01:55,376 No, Grumio, get that furry fuck out of here! 45 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,496 GRUMIO: Hello, pussy-puss-puss. 46 00:01:57,736 --> 00:01:59,256 I mean, where are all these cats coming from? 47 00:01:59,656 --> 00:02:02,656 According to Landlord, the Emperor's got them in to get rid of all the mice. 48 00:02:02,736 --> 00:02:04,016 Yeah, good thinking. 49 00:02:04,096 --> 00:02:06,216 Well, not really. We're now infested with cats. 50 00:02:06,296 --> 00:02:07,856 Well, they'll have to get in some dogs, then. 51 00:02:07,936 --> 00:02:10,016 And then what? Just work his way up the food chain? 52 00:02:10,096 --> 00:02:11,656 - What eats dogs? - Greek people. 53 00:02:11,736 --> 00:02:13,096 That's very offensive, Grumio. 54 00:02:13,416 --> 00:02:15,576 Hey, that's a brilliant idea! 55 00:02:20,536 --> 00:02:23,536 You're copying a cat now, are you? You're literally a copycat. 56 00:02:23,856 --> 00:02:25,176 Damn straight. This cat's a genius! 57 00:02:25,256 --> 00:02:26,856 No, he's not. He's a prick! 58 00:02:27,416 --> 00:02:30,496 Cats think they're so cool. Get over yourself, mate. 59 00:02:30,576 --> 00:02:32,376 You're a cat. You can't even read. 60 00:02:32,936 --> 00:02:34,256 (GROANING) 61 00:02:41,256 --> 00:02:43,616 Mess with me again, buddy, and you're going down. 62 00:02:43,696 --> 00:02:45,856 Do you hear me? All the way down. 63 00:02:45,936 --> 00:02:47,616 - Morning. - Hello. 64 00:02:47,976 --> 00:02:51,016 Close the door, I would, before this dirtbag and his dirty mates all flood in. 65 00:02:51,176 --> 00:02:52,736 Right. That's good advice. 66 00:02:53,496 --> 00:02:55,616 Cynthia, I've found Felix! 67 00:02:55,816 --> 00:02:56,936 Felix? 68 00:02:57,816 --> 00:02:58,896 Oh, Felix. 69 00:02:59,536 --> 00:03:01,056 Oh, thank God! Where was he? 70 00:03:01,136 --> 00:03:03,776 Next door. Marcus was just dropping him off, weren't you? 71 00:03:03,896 --> 00:03:07,176 Yeah. Sorry, I didn't realise Felix was your pet. 72 00:03:07,536 --> 00:03:09,696 I thought he was one of the mangy strays from the courtyard. 73 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,536 Well, he is from the courtyard. 74 00:03:11,616 --> 00:03:13,016 Right, and a lot of them are lovely, too. 75 00:03:13,096 --> 00:03:15,416 Lovely, lovely cats. I mean, he's clearly the nicest one. 76 00:03:15,576 --> 00:03:16,976 Well, he was the only one we could catch. 77 00:03:17,216 --> 00:03:19,736 - Right, because he's the tamest? - Because he was asleep. 78 00:03:20,296 --> 00:03:22,056 Yeah. Well, lucky him. He's landed on his feet. 79 00:03:22,496 --> 00:03:24,336 Cats always do. Thanks for finding him. 80 00:03:24,416 --> 00:03:27,256 My pleasure, my pleasure. Bye. Bye, Felix. 81 00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:29,296 (MAKES KISSING SOUND) 82 00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:39,816 I mean, why does it have to be a cat? I'm really not a cat person. 83 00:03:40,296 --> 00:03:41,976 I'm not really a dog person either, to be honest. 84 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,416 What kind of person are you? 85 00:03:43,816 --> 00:03:45,776 I guess I'm a plant person. 86 00:03:45,856 --> 00:03:47,616 You know, anything quiet and still I'm fine with. 87 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,376 Well, you'd better start being a cat person, 88 00:03:49,456 --> 00:03:53,496 because you cosy up to Felix and Cynthia will cosy up to you, big time. 89 00:03:54,456 --> 00:03:55,656 Hey, guys. 90 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,776 You will never guess what I did last night. 91 00:03:57,976 --> 00:04:00,016 Stayed at home crying and wanking again? 92 00:04:00,096 --> 00:04:03,416 No, stop it. I met my long-lost Uncle Adrian for the first time. 93 00:04:03,496 --> 00:04:04,816 Lost? Why lost? Where was he? 94 00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:06,936 No, was he lost or just hiding from you? 95 00:04:07,016 --> 00:04:10,616 No. I didn't know he existed. "Long-lost" as in absent family member. 96 00:04:10,696 --> 00:04:12,416 How long was he? What was long about him? 97 00:04:12,496 --> 00:04:14,056 - No... - Was it his member? 98 00:04:14,136 --> 00:04:15,256 Oh, no... What? 99 00:04:15,336 --> 00:04:16,496 Did he take out his long member? 100 00:04:16,576 --> 00:04:18,336 My uncle does not have a long member... 101 00:04:18,416 --> 00:04:22,415 Oh, shame! Still, it's how he uses it. 102 00:04:22,975 --> 00:04:25,495 - Fill me up, please, water boy. - Yes! Water man. 103 00:04:26,655 --> 00:04:28,295 A bit behind today, are we, shredder? 104 00:04:28,375 --> 00:04:30,455 Yeah, sorry. I shut my hand in a door. 105 00:04:31,095 --> 00:04:32,295 A door? 106 00:04:33,375 --> 00:04:36,495 Doors. I shut my hands in doors. 107 00:04:37,935 --> 00:04:39,175 (WHISPERING) A quick word in my office. 108 00:04:39,615 --> 00:04:42,095 Whew! Okay. Yeah, sure. Office. 109 00:04:46,815 --> 00:04:47,815 Ha! 110 00:04:52,135 --> 00:04:54,055 What's going on down there? 111 00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:55,335 Down where? 112 00:04:55,575 --> 00:04:58,175 It's obvious you're sporting those makeshift mittens 113 00:04:58,255 --> 00:05:00,735 to stop you gouging chunks out of yourself. 114 00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,455 How do you know these things? 115 00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:04,895 Been there, done that, bound the hands. 116 00:05:05,295 --> 00:05:06,655 I'm pretty sure it's bedbugs. 117 00:05:06,735 --> 00:05:10,935 And where on your person have these bedbugs bitten? 118 00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:14,895 Well, they've concentrated their attacks on my... 119 00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:17,375 penis. 120 00:05:17,895 --> 00:05:20,855 - Why would they have done that? - Well, largest surface area. 121 00:05:20,975 --> 00:05:21,975 (BOTH LAUGHING) 122 00:05:22,935 --> 00:05:25,095 You see, I think it might be the other type of bedbugs. 123 00:05:25,175 --> 00:05:29,055 The type you get not from the bed itself but from what you do in it. 124 00:05:29,775 --> 00:05:30,775 Right. 125 00:05:31,375 --> 00:05:34,095 Come on, shredder, spill the beans! 126 00:05:35,015 --> 00:05:38,215 Well, I guess it has been hurting when I spill the beans. 127 00:05:38,295 --> 00:05:39,335 Thank you. 128 00:05:41,015 --> 00:05:46,415 I'm gonna give you the name of an excellent clinic and a cream that will help you. 129 00:05:46,575 --> 00:05:47,575 Thank you. 130 00:05:49,375 --> 00:05:50,815 (READING) Herp Ease. 131 00:05:51,015 --> 00:05:52,775 - That's a great name. -It's a great cream. 132 00:05:53,015 --> 00:05:56,535 The itch should soon disappear, though you might be left with some discolouration, 133 00:05:56,615 --> 00:05:58,815 which, in my opinion, only adds character. 134 00:05:59,215 --> 00:06:02,415 Thank you. Thank you very much. Should I tell them that you sent me? 135 00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:03,655 Absolutely not. 136 00:06:26,495 --> 00:06:28,215 Salve, Grumio. 137 00:06:28,295 --> 00:06:29,295 Alright, Landlord. 138 00:06:29,495 --> 00:06:30,895 Feeling lucky, are you? 139 00:06:30,975 --> 00:06:32,335 I suppose I am, yeah. 140 00:06:32,415 --> 00:06:34,695 I just found a bit of chicken in my teeth I didn't know were there. 141 00:06:34,775 --> 00:06:37,255 Well, then, in that case you want to get one of these. 142 00:06:37,335 --> 00:06:39,535 Ride that luck like a big, old unicorn. 143 00:06:39,735 --> 00:06:41,575 - What are they? - Lottery ticket. 144 00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,535 Caesar's raising funds to ship in a load of dogs. 145 00:06:44,615 --> 00:06:46,695 - We thought that might be next. - Yeah, you want one? 146 00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:48,935 - How much is it? - A single denarius. 147 00:06:49,015 --> 00:06:50,735 - What's the prize? - A million. 148 00:06:51,175 --> 00:06:52,375 Imagine what you could do with that. 149 00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,335 Bloody hell. I'd be a millionaire, wouldn't I? 150 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:57,055 Yes, you would. Until you spent any of it, then you wouldn't. 151 00:06:57,455 --> 00:07:00,015 - So I just wouldn't spend any of it. - There's a plan! 152 00:07:00,535 --> 00:07:03,615 Right, the draw's tomorrow. Be lucky. 153 00:07:10,895 --> 00:07:12,975 - Will you come in with me? - What for? 154 00:07:13,175 --> 00:07:15,015 In case the doctor tries to finger me! 155 00:07:15,095 --> 00:07:16,215 Why would he do that? 156 00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,215 Because that's what they do, these old quacks! 157 00:07:18,295 --> 00:07:21,655 They get you in there, check you over and they finger the shit out of you. 158 00:07:21,735 --> 00:07:23,495 (SCOFFS) What, even if you've just got a cold? 159 00:07:23,575 --> 00:07:25,135 Even if you've just got a sniffle, mate. 160 00:07:25,215 --> 00:07:28,095 Stylax Rufus Eur... 161 00:07:28,175 --> 00:07:29,335 Eurisces. 162 00:07:30,255 --> 00:07:31,935 Yes, that's me. 163 00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:34,375 - So, shall I... - You know what? I think I'll be alright. 164 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,775 - What if she tries to finger you? - I'll cope. 165 00:07:40,735 --> 00:07:42,415 And have you had intercourse with anyone 166 00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:45,455 who's recently returned from Gaul or Germania? 167 00:07:48,095 --> 00:07:50,135 - So, yes, basically. - Yes. 168 00:07:50,695 --> 00:07:52,855 And have you ever engaged in sadism or masochism? 169 00:07:53,215 --> 00:07:54,375 No. 170 00:07:55,335 --> 00:07:57,375 - It's much better if you're honest. - Yes, then. 171 00:07:59,335 --> 00:08:01,535 Okay. I'm just gonna have a little look. 172 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,535 Hey, aren't you gonna buy me dinner first? 173 00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:07,175 - I tend to eat before my shift. - That's very wise. 174 00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:10,495 Oh, it's a bad rash, isn't it? 175 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:11,895 Yeah, it's quite... 176 00:08:11,975 --> 00:08:15,055 In fact, it's just a little bit to the left on the... 177 00:08:15,135 --> 00:08:16,415 Yeah, that's it, yeah. 178 00:08:16,655 --> 00:08:18,775 Okay and how does it feel when I do this? 179 00:08:19,055 --> 00:08:21,215 (SHUDDERS) Yeah. 180 00:08:22,535 --> 00:08:23,695 (SIGHS) That's fantastic. 181 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,815 The awkward bit is out of the way. We've already got to third base. 182 00:08:34,895 --> 00:08:37,375 - I'm not sure that counts as third base. - Of course it does. 183 00:08:37,455 --> 00:08:40,575 Well, in that case she gets to third base with several men every day. 184 00:08:40,655 --> 00:08:43,095 No, I think it was different. She was laughing at me. 185 00:08:43,375 --> 00:08:46,015 - Is that a good thing? - At what I was saying, not at my goolie. 186 00:08:46,655 --> 00:08:48,655 - Sorry, your goolie? - Yeah. 187 00:08:48,815 --> 00:08:51,015 I don't think you can have one goolie. It's just your goolies. 188 00:08:51,295 --> 00:08:54,855 No, no, no, no. The whole thing is your goolies, which means all three of them. 189 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,455 But it you're talking about one in particular, you say goolie. 190 00:08:57,615 --> 00:08:58,615 (SNIGGERS) 191 00:08:58,695 --> 00:09:00,895 So, how long do you think I should leave it before I see her again? 192 00:09:00,975 --> 00:09:02,695 - Four or five years. - That's too long! 193 00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:04,815 Well, you can't just pop in like it's your local café. 194 00:09:04,895 --> 00:09:07,015 Yeah, but I need to get back in that little room with her. 195 00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:11,095 Shall I get Felix the horrific dead pigeon or the terrifying stuffed rat? 196 00:09:11,335 --> 00:09:12,335 Get both. 197 00:09:12,455 --> 00:09:14,175 I'm gonna pay 10 denarii for carcasses? 198 00:09:14,255 --> 00:09:16,655 It's all about Cynthia, right? 199 00:09:16,735 --> 00:09:18,655 You get in with her pussy, and you'll get into her... 200 00:09:18,735 --> 00:09:22,015 So, okay, stop there. That's one of the worst things you've ever said! 201 00:09:22,415 --> 00:09:24,015 I know. I've been working on it. 202 00:09:26,535 --> 00:09:27,535 These. 203 00:09:30,375 --> 00:09:32,375 It's a pigeon and a rat. 204 00:09:33,215 --> 00:09:35,255 Oh, they're lovely. 205 00:09:36,255 --> 00:09:38,935 - I should say, for Felix. - Oh, right! 206 00:09:39,015 --> 00:09:40,575 Passing a pet store, could not resist. 207 00:09:40,655 --> 00:09:41,975 They're a bit grisly. 208 00:09:42,055 --> 00:09:44,775 Yes, but they have bells in, so they're also fun. 209 00:09:44,855 --> 00:09:47,175 -(BELLS CHIMING) - Well, I'm sure Felix will love them. 210 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:50,335 Yeah. I was thinking you and me could take him for a walk. 211 00:09:50,775 --> 00:09:52,015 Cats don't go for walks. 212 00:09:52,095 --> 00:09:53,615 We could carry him, then. Take him for a carry. 213 00:09:53,695 --> 00:09:55,575 And he's round at your place. 214 00:09:55,655 --> 00:09:57,735 - Is he? - Yeah, he loves it there. 215 00:09:57,815 --> 00:09:59,815 And we love having him, obviously. 216 00:09:59,895 --> 00:10:01,735 Although, you probably want him back now, don't you? 217 00:10:01,855 --> 00:10:03,975 Oh, no rush. You guys bond. 218 00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:11,055 It's going brilliantly. Maybe I could put a cat flap in between the two flats. 219 00:10:11,375 --> 00:10:14,935 Hey, that's a good idea. One man's cat flap is another man's glory hole. 220 00:10:15,655 --> 00:10:17,415 Oh, what's he doing now? 221 00:10:18,935 --> 00:10:21,895 Oh, I think he's coughing up a fur ball. Go on, buddy, you can do it! 222 00:10:22,575 --> 00:10:24,455 If I win the lottery, I might buy a pet. 223 00:10:24,935 --> 00:10:28,175 Not like that, though. A big 'un. Like a bloody great horse. 224 00:10:28,735 --> 00:10:31,055 - What you gonna do with a horse? - Sit on it. 225 00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,695 What? Like a big hairy chair? 226 00:10:32,815 --> 00:10:34,575 Yeah, and you're not having a go on it. 227 00:10:34,655 --> 00:10:36,455 Grumio, mate, you bought that ticket with my money. 228 00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:37,775 - So? - So I own it. 229 00:10:37,855 --> 00:10:41,015 I also own you and all your possessions, including your imaginary horse. 230 00:10:41,095 --> 00:10:42,455 Get your hands off my horse! 231 00:10:42,855 --> 00:10:46,055 It doesn't matter anyway, because there's as much chance of you winning the lottery 232 00:10:46,135 --> 00:10:49,415 as there is of Felix over there getting on two feet, admitting he's a prick, 233 00:10:49,495 --> 00:10:51,175 and offering to put a good word in with Cynthia for me. 234 00:10:51,255 --> 00:10:53,535 Actually, there's more chance of us winning the lottery. 235 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,255 - Only marginally. - Because he's a cat. 236 00:10:55,495 --> 00:10:57,135 Yeah, because he's a cat, 237 00:10:57,215 --> 00:10:58,815 but also because he's dead. 238 00:11:01,855 --> 00:11:02,855 Fuck. 239 00:11:09,655 --> 00:11:11,215 He choked on something. 240 00:11:11,335 --> 00:11:12,415 What did he choke on? 241 00:11:12,695 --> 00:11:14,855 The fur ball, I think. 242 00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:17,095 I mean, if it's any consolation, I think he died happy. 243 00:11:17,175 --> 00:11:19,935 - I don't think you can choke happily. - Well, serenely, then. 244 00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:21,695 Show me how he choked serenely. 245 00:11:22,175 --> 00:11:23,175 Why? 246 00:11:23,295 --> 00:11:24,655 Because I want to see it for myself. 247 00:11:25,735 --> 00:11:28,135 Uh, well, it was a bit... 248 00:11:30,455 --> 00:11:31,575 (CHOKING SOUNDS) 249 00:11:32,495 --> 00:11:33,655 That sort of thing. 250 00:11:34,175 --> 00:11:35,255 Did you like Felix? 251 00:11:35,335 --> 00:11:37,935 What? Yeah, of course I liked him. I liked him loads! 252 00:11:38,055 --> 00:11:40,855 Why did you threaten to throw him off the balcony, then? 253 00:11:41,015 --> 00:11:42,575 That wasn't serious. I was... 254 00:11:42,655 --> 00:11:45,295 "Mess with me again, buddy, and you're going down." 255 00:11:45,375 --> 00:11:47,375 Buddy. I called him buddy. We were buddies. 256 00:11:47,455 --> 00:11:49,495 And did he mess with you again? Is that what happened? 257 00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,255 - No, no. - Or did you give him herpes? 258 00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:52,375 I'm sorry, what? 259 00:11:52,495 --> 00:11:55,535 We found this note in the bag with the toys. Herp Ease. 260 00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,455 That's not mine. That's for Stylax. 261 00:11:57,695 --> 00:11:58,895 I told you it couldn't be his. 262 00:11:58,975 --> 00:12:01,575 Why couldn't it be mine? I could have herpes. 263 00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:04,615 I mean, I don't... Just, I'm sexually active. 264 00:12:04,695 --> 00:12:06,215 - With cats? - No, humans! 265 00:12:06,295 --> 00:12:07,535 Women, human women. 266 00:12:07,615 --> 00:12:09,135 So, did Stylax touch Felix? 267 00:12:09,215 --> 00:12:11,015 No. Well, they shared a scratching post... 268 00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:14,055 Because all I know is that Felix's last moments on this earth 269 00:12:14,135 --> 00:12:16,295 were spent with one man who threatened to throw him off a balcony 270 00:12:16,375 --> 00:12:18,135 and another man riddled with herpes! 271 00:12:22,855 --> 00:12:25,735 - You're burying the toys, are you? - Yes, with their owner. 272 00:12:25,895 --> 00:12:28,015 But I kept the receipt, so we could... 273 00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:29,615 No, do bury them. 274 00:12:30,095 --> 00:12:31,415 It's what he would have wanted. 275 00:12:34,095 --> 00:12:37,175 - She thinks I gave him herpes? - Or that I chucked it off a balcony. 276 00:12:37,255 --> 00:12:40,495 Well, mine's worse. Yours involves chucking it, mine involves fucking it! 277 00:12:40,575 --> 00:12:43,535 No, she's not accusing you of actually fucking the cat to death. 278 00:12:43,615 --> 00:12:44,655 Okay, good. 279 00:12:44,735 --> 00:12:47,535 She just knows that you have herpes and you shared a scratching post. 280 00:12:47,615 --> 00:12:51,055 So, at the very worst, she thinks you indirectly fucked it to death. 281 00:12:51,695 --> 00:12:53,175 Can you even give a cat herpes? 282 00:12:53,335 --> 00:12:55,335 I don't know. Ask that nurse of yours. 283 00:12:55,495 --> 00:12:56,775 Don't talk about my nurse. 284 00:13:04,615 --> 00:13:06,455 - What's wrong with you? - I don't want to talk about it. 285 00:13:06,574 --> 00:13:08,734 - Okay, cool. - Uncle Adrian died. 286 00:13:08,814 --> 00:13:11,054 - What, the long one? - He just had a heart attack and died. 287 00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:13,774 - God, that's terrible. - I know. I'm devastated. 288 00:13:15,054 --> 00:13:20,614 Although, you did only just find out he existed, so it's not that bad, is it? 289 00:13:21,054 --> 00:13:22,694 -"Not that bad"? - No. 290 00:13:22,934 --> 00:13:25,534 I mean, the total number of Uncle Adrians in your life 291 00:13:25,614 --> 00:13:28,054 is kind of the same as it was a couple of days ago, you know. 292 00:13:28,134 --> 00:13:30,734 There's a brief spike and then it evened out. 293 00:13:30,814 --> 00:13:33,414 - I've lost an uncle! - Yeah, but he was already lost, wasn't he? 294 00:13:33,494 --> 00:13:36,334 So, you found him and then you lost him again. 295 00:13:37,494 --> 00:13:39,574 - Anyway, I've got something to cheer you up. - Go on. 296 00:13:39,854 --> 00:13:40,854 Stylax has herpes. 297 00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,054 Ha. 298 00:13:42,294 --> 00:13:44,214 Yeah, that's pretty good. Thanks for telling me. 299 00:13:44,294 --> 00:13:47,054 Sorry to disappoint you, but I might not have it any more. 300 00:13:47,254 --> 00:13:50,054 Oh, for Jove's sake, I'm on an emotional roller coaster here. 301 00:14:00,094 --> 00:14:01,334 Hey, I just want to... 302 00:14:01,414 --> 00:14:02,974 - Knock, please! - Yeah, sorry. 303 00:14:03,054 --> 00:14:04,294 Don't just barge in! 304 00:14:04,374 --> 00:14:06,934 Sorry. I just wanted to say, you were spot on! 305 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:09,854 It wasn't bedbugs, it was genital herpes. 306 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,814 The Herp Ease cream you recommended worked a treat. 307 00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,054 You really know your stuff. 308 00:14:17,974 --> 00:14:18,974 (GASPING) 309 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,174 I think you're in the wrong room. 310 00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,774 - Is this not the office nurse? - No. 311 00:14:26,174 --> 00:14:27,734 - Do we have an office nurse? - No. 312 00:14:27,894 --> 00:14:31,334 Right. You see, I've confused this room 313 00:14:31,414 --> 00:14:34,134 with where the nurse's room might be if we had one. 314 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:36,654 Um, we've all done it. 315 00:14:36,734 --> 00:14:37,734 (LAUGHING) 316 00:14:37,814 --> 00:14:39,254 Can I get anybody some water or a sandwich? 317 00:14:39,334 --> 00:14:40,774 - Just go. - Cool. 318 00:14:56,214 --> 00:14:58,094 Hi. How is she? 319 00:14:58,694 --> 00:15:00,494 - Bearing up. - Good, good. 320 00:15:00,574 --> 00:15:01,814 I wanted to say that I'm sorry. 321 00:15:01,894 --> 00:15:06,654 Not for killing Felix, because I did not do that, but just for her tragic loss. 322 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,094 Right. I'll pass that on... 323 00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:11,934 And if there's anything I can do, please, let me know. 324 00:15:12,974 --> 00:15:15,294 Well, you could take out the rubbish. 325 00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:16,934 Yeah, more for her. 326 00:15:17,014 --> 00:15:18,414 I mean, I could take her for a drink or something. 327 00:15:18,494 --> 00:15:20,094 I don't think so. 328 00:15:20,174 --> 00:15:21,414 Yeah, too soon? 329 00:15:21,494 --> 00:15:24,614 Yeah, and because you're a snide, two-faced, creepy liar. 330 00:15:25,494 --> 00:15:27,414 Right. Did she say that or is that more your opinion? 331 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,894 -It's a combination. - Okay. 332 00:15:29,014 --> 00:15:30,374 Anything I can do to redeem myself? 333 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,214 - Well, taking this would be a... - Yes, fine! 334 00:15:32,614 --> 00:15:34,534 - Are you gonna tell her I did this, or... - Probably not. 335 00:15:34,614 --> 00:15:35,614 Of course not. 336 00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:40,294 Nine women in one night? 337 00:15:40,574 --> 00:15:42,014 Yeah, approx. 338 00:15:42,414 --> 00:15:45,814 I mean, after I left here I just sort of went on a bit of a sex rampage. 339 00:15:46,334 --> 00:15:48,414 A rampage in a criminal sense? 340 00:15:48,574 --> 00:15:51,534 Oh, no, a consensual rampage. You know, so it was all fine. 341 00:15:51,614 --> 00:15:53,454 Not from a sexual-health point of view. But... 342 00:15:53,534 --> 00:15:56,814 No, sure. Sexual-health-wise, it's a fiasco. 343 00:15:57,814 --> 00:15:59,414 So you'll see me again, right? 344 00:16:00,374 --> 00:16:02,334 Okay. Come through. 345 00:16:16,254 --> 00:16:18,374 - Salve, Grumio. - Alright, Landlord. 346 00:16:18,774 --> 00:16:20,774 - Oh, you didn't win, then? - What makes you say that? 347 00:16:20,894 --> 00:16:23,454 Well, your clothes, your posture, your face. 348 00:16:23,534 --> 00:16:25,694 It's not the look of a classic lottery winner, is it? 349 00:16:25,814 --> 00:16:27,174 I didn't know they'd done it yet. 350 00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:29,454 Yeah, the winner number is 3461. 351 00:16:29,534 --> 00:16:30,534 Check your ticket, I would. 352 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:32,414 Yeah, I will do. How did you get on? 353 00:16:32,894 --> 00:16:36,214 Me? Well, I don't play the lottery, mate. I'm not an idiot. 354 00:16:36,334 --> 00:16:38,014 Listen, let me know if you want one for next week, yeah? 355 00:16:38,094 --> 00:16:39,094 Yeah, will do. 356 00:16:42,494 --> 00:16:43,774 One of them was a witch? 357 00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:45,174 Yeah, she was horrible. 358 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:46,974 So why did you have sex with her, then? 359 00:16:47,134 --> 00:16:48,654 I know, right? 360 00:16:48,734 --> 00:16:52,414 But, anyway, enough about me, let's talk about you for a change. 361 00:16:52,494 --> 00:16:53,494 Are you single? 362 00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:54,934 Yes, I am. 363 00:16:57,494 --> 00:17:00,974 Now, you might feel some discomfort now as I insert this swab into your goolie. 364 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,654 (GASPS) I say goolie! 365 00:17:03,254 --> 00:17:04,894 - Sorry? - I also say goolie. 366 00:17:05,294 --> 00:17:07,614 - Great. - Do you want to go out with me sometime? 367 00:17:08,134 --> 00:17:10,734 - Because we both say goolie? - No, because we've got chemistry! 368 00:17:11,494 --> 00:17:13,054 Look, you seem like fun and everything, 369 00:17:13,134 --> 00:17:16,734 but you're also a morally bankrupt sex addict. 370 00:17:16,974 --> 00:17:19,014 Ah, hmm... But I am fun. 371 00:17:19,094 --> 00:17:21,294 I'm sorry, it's a no. 372 00:17:22,774 --> 00:17:25,854 I made it all up, all this sex rampage and that. 373 00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:28,294 You know, I'm really not as naughty as you think I am. 374 00:17:28,374 --> 00:17:31,054 I made it all up just so I could see you again. 375 00:17:31,174 --> 00:17:33,654 So, was that rash you first came in with made up? 376 00:17:33,974 --> 00:17:34,974 Ah, no, that was real. 377 00:17:35,094 --> 00:17:37,694 And the hordes of one-night stands you've had, all... 378 00:17:37,774 --> 00:17:39,294 No, no, no. Don't count them! 379 00:17:40,214 --> 00:17:41,494 Just give me a chance. 380 00:17:41,654 --> 00:17:44,054 There's honestly nothing you can say right now 381 00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:46,214 to make me think you're good boyfriend material. 382 00:17:47,214 --> 00:17:48,214 Okay. 383 00:17:49,974 --> 00:17:55,694 Well, in that case, do you think it's possible that I gave herpes to a cat? 384 00:18:08,534 --> 00:18:11,174 Then she said, "I never ever want to see you here again." 385 00:18:11,414 --> 00:18:12,894 Harsh. Then what happened? 386 00:18:13,174 --> 00:18:15,494 Well, I put my penis away and left. What else could I do? 387 00:18:16,974 --> 00:18:18,974 Grumio, mate, can you clear all this up? 388 00:18:19,054 --> 00:18:20,814 Once I've found my lottery ticket. 389 00:18:20,894 --> 00:18:24,254 It was humiliating though. I mean, I would have run home if it wasn't for the chafing. 390 00:18:24,534 --> 00:18:25,574 I thought the herpes had gone? 391 00:18:25,654 --> 00:18:27,934 Yeah, so did I, but it's itching round the back now. 392 00:18:28,054 --> 00:18:30,414 - Do you think it could have migrated? - Oh, I don't know. Maybe. 393 00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:32,734 - Can you take a little look for me? - Not in a million years. 394 00:18:32,854 --> 00:18:34,174 - G-man? - Not right now. 395 00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,454 - Have you found it? - No, but I think I know where it is. 396 00:18:36,814 --> 00:18:38,414 - Where is it? -Inside the cat. 397 00:18:38,574 --> 00:18:39,934 Whoa! Serious? 398 00:18:40,014 --> 00:18:41,934 It weren't coughing on a fur ball, it were my ticket. 399 00:18:42,134 --> 00:18:43,294 What makes you think that? 400 00:18:43,454 --> 00:18:46,374 One, it were a very greedy cat, two, it ain't in here. 401 00:18:46,894 --> 00:18:47,894 You can't fault his logic. 402 00:18:48,054 --> 00:18:49,294 How dark is it outside? 403 00:18:49,694 --> 00:18:52,134 - It's dark enough, I reckon. - No, no, no, wait. What if Cynthia sees us? 404 00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:53,214 I want my horse! 405 00:18:53,574 --> 00:18:54,934 Grumio, mate, tell me this. 406 00:18:55,054 --> 00:18:57,694 What are the chances of the ticket being inside the cat? 407 00:18:57,854 --> 00:18:58,854 50/50. 408 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:02,814 Hmm, and if it is, what are the chances that that is the winning ticket? 409 00:19:03,254 --> 00:19:04,254 50/50. 410 00:19:04,654 --> 00:19:06,454 - Well, it clearly isn't. - Of course it is! 411 00:19:06,654 --> 00:19:08,974 In what way is you winning the lottery 50/50? 412 00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:10,934 Either I will win it or I won't. 413 00:19:15,454 --> 00:19:17,014 -(WHISPERING) Are you sure it was here? - I think so. 414 00:19:17,094 --> 00:19:19,454 I'd have paid more attention if I'd known we'd be digging him up again. 415 00:19:21,014 --> 00:19:22,414 Are we really using a spoon? 416 00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:24,334 It's fine. It's one of my scratching spoons. 417 00:19:26,334 --> 00:19:27,374 (BELL CHIMING) 418 00:19:27,614 --> 00:19:28,934 - What the hell was that? - Oh, that'll be the toys. 419 00:19:29,854 --> 00:19:31,014 I'm taking them back. 420 00:19:32,494 --> 00:19:33,774 And...got him! 421 00:19:33,854 --> 00:19:35,334 Hooray! Nice one. 422 00:19:36,014 --> 00:19:37,894 - Salve, boys. - Perfect. 423 00:19:37,974 --> 00:19:39,654 - Alright, Landlord. - Having fun? 424 00:19:39,854 --> 00:19:41,734 My lottery ticket is in Cynthia's cat. 425 00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,014 I want half. 426 00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:44,854 - Half the cat? - Half the winnings. 427 00:19:44,974 --> 00:19:45,974 You can have a quarter. 428 00:19:46,174 --> 00:19:48,494 - Half, or I tell the girls. - Alright, done. 429 00:19:48,574 --> 00:19:50,774 - How are we gonna cut it open? - With the spoon. 430 00:19:50,854 --> 00:19:52,494 What, are you gonna scoop him out like a melon? 431 00:19:52,574 --> 00:19:54,454 - I'll do the honours. - Why have you got that? 432 00:19:54,534 --> 00:19:56,094 For this sort of thing. Shove over. 433 00:19:57,374 --> 00:20:00,134 It could have got lodged in the throat, but I'll try the stomach first. 434 00:20:00,494 --> 00:20:01,494 Oh, come... 435 00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,334 (LANDLORD GRUNTING) 436 00:20:07,494 --> 00:20:09,454 - Oh, it won't be in either, actually. - Why not? 437 00:20:09,854 --> 00:20:11,854 Because I just found it in my pocket. 438 00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:13,454 I should probably have checked there first, really. 439 00:20:13,534 --> 00:20:15,054 - Probably, yeah. - Well, did we win? 440 00:20:15,134 --> 00:20:16,414 What's the winning number? 441 00:20:16,534 --> 00:20:18,334 3461. What does that say? 442 00:20:18,654 --> 00:20:19,654 Uh... 443 00:20:19,934 --> 00:20:20,934 -2... - No, then. 444 00:20:21,014 --> 00:20:22,014 No, we didn't. 445 00:20:22,174 --> 00:20:25,174 Alright. Well, get him back in there. That will be five denarii reburial charge. 446 00:20:25,254 --> 00:20:26,294 Of course. 447 00:20:26,414 --> 00:20:29,334 Oh, and make sure you scrub your hands. You don't want to catch worms. 448 00:20:29,894 --> 00:20:30,894 Mangy mog. 449 00:20:33,214 --> 00:20:35,614 Oh, that'll explain the itchy anus! 450 00:20:44,414 --> 00:20:46,214 DOCTOR: So, I'm afraid that's extremely infected. 451 00:20:46,294 --> 00:20:48,654 - Mm-hmm. - But I can give you some cream for the itch, 452 00:20:48,734 --> 00:20:51,694 and recommend some food that will flush the worm out of your bowels. 453 00:20:51,774 --> 00:20:52,774 Cool. 454 00:20:52,854 --> 00:20:55,334 So, what time do you get off work?